Submission | Better Together | Dr Mark Rutland

Sunday, February 9

Key Scriptures

Ephesians 5:18-25

Introduction

Paul’s letter to the Ephesians provides profound insights into living a Spirit-filled life, touching on relationships, family, and marriage. One of the most debated and often misunderstood words in this passage is “submission.”

Dr. Mark Rutland uses a humorous yet enlightening anecdote about a basketball player misunderstanding the word sinner as guard to illustrate how one word can change everything. Similarly, the misinterpretation of submission has led to confusion and misuse, often distorting the biblical model of marriage.

Rather than portraying submission as a form of oppression, Paul presents it as mutual yielding in love. The passage does not end with a command for wives to submit but continues with a call for husbands to love sacrificially, just as Christ loved the Church.

How has the concept of submission been misunderstood in modern culture, and what does Ephesians 5:21-25 teach us about mutual love and respect in marriage?

True biblical submission is rooted in generosity—both spouses giving of themselves for the good of the other.

Read the Ephesians 5 passage:

18-20 Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit, speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit. Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

22-24 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

25-27 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

Ephesians 5:18-27 (NIV)

What does Ephesians 5:21 mean by "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ"? How does this verse set the stage for the following verses on marriage?

How have you seen or experienced the concept of "submission" misunderstood or misapplied in modern culture or within Christian communities?

Key Points

Men must be the most crucified person in the family. The husband is the head of the household; there’s no arguing about it. But just as Jesus became the Head of the Church by laying down his life, the role of the head of the family only comes from the husband laying down his life in selflessness.
Be generous in worship. Don’t let your worship get dull. Genuine, heartfelt worship is not a matter of style, but true worship should come from an open heart. It may not come naturally, but it can come to you supernaturally. As you worship God, withholding nothing, your worship will go into every other part of your life.
Be generous. Marriage is not a competition for control but a race to be the most generous. Generosity is the strength of human relationships. No one marries a photograph; everyone marries a movie. People change, looks change, lives change, everything changes. But you must continue to show generosity in compliments, affection, and even sex. Train your eyes to see generously. Submission is more than following the rules; it’s about having a generous spirit.

Redefining Biblical Submission and Headship

Mark Rutland mentioned it best...The phrase “Wives, submit to your husbands” (Ephesians 5:22) has been misused by some men, particularly after conversion, as a tool for control rather than a call to Christlike leadership. This misunderstanding has led to an imbalance in marriages where submission is seen as one-sided, placing women in a position of subservience rather than partnership. However, when read in full context, the passage begins with a call to mutual submission—“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21). This foundational principle sets the tone for a relationship where both husband and wife honor and serve each other, reflecting Christ’s love.

Husbands

Biblical headship is not about dominance but about sacrificial love. A husband’s role as the "head" of his wife mirrors Christ’s headship over the church—one marked by humility, selflessness, and service.

In what ways does Paul equate the husband's role to Christ's love for the church (verses 25-27)? What responsibilities does this place on husbands?

Christ did not rule with an iron fist but laid down His life for the sake of those He loved. In the same way, a husband is called to die to himself daily, prioritizing his wife’s well-being above his own desires. True leadership in marriage is not about authority; it is about responsibility. It is a call for husbands to be crucified in their service to their families, leading not through control but through love, grace, and unwavering commitment.

How does the idea of a husband being “crucified” in service to his family reshape the way you view biblical headship?

How can single individuals apply the principles of mutual submission and sacrificial love in their relationships and future marriages?

Generosity Is the Secret

When God instructs wives to submit to their husbands He isn’t making a distinction of value. The husband is not valued more than his wife, God the Son is equal to God the Father, yet The Son is subordinate to the Father in function. Husband and wife were created in God’s own image, both are valued beyond measure, yet the divine functions in a marriage are different.

1 Corinthians 11:3 the Apostle Paul wrote:

“But I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.” (NIV)

God has charged men to be the head of the household just as Jesus is the Head of Church. Jesus is the bridegroom of the church. We as Christians must submit to Jesus. The wife is not asked to blindly follow the orders of her husband. She must always submit to Jesus Christ first and foremost. As part of her obedience to Christ, a woman must follow the teachings of the Bible.

Discuss the difference between being equal in value and having different roles or functions in marriage, as outlined in 1 Corinthians 11:3. How do these roles reflect the Trinity?

What does "giving generously to each other" look like in daily life according to Dr. Rutland's insights? Share personal examples or brainstorm new ways to implement this.

Wives

The following passages direct women to submit to their husbands.

“Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.” Ephesians 5:22-24 (NIV)

God’s word is clear regarding this command, Dr. Rutland provided some powerful insight into how this command can be accomplished. Man to his wife and the woman to her husband.

Give generously to each other such time and understanding

Give loving complements

Take time to listen and be interested in the happening in each other’s lives

Engage in a race to see who can outgive the other

Practicing these things (and more) will be a terrific example to children when determining what true love is. True love will contain some degree of sacrifice.

How does engaging in a "race to see who can outgive the other" promote a healthy marriage? How might this concept change the dynamic in a relationship?

Dr. Rutland provided advice to unmarried people also. 

Pay attention to how generous the person is

Be aware that bodies change, events change, history changes, and people change. Like Dr Rutland said, no one marries a photo.

Remember the wedding vows: For richer or poorer, in sickness and health, and for better or for worse.

Take the time to know a potential spouse. Choose a godly mate who already understands their respective role in the family unit.

Jesus said, “Love one another as I have loved you.” (John 13:34) He is our example, His unselfish love, His amazing grace, and His impeccable example are ours to draw on.

What does Dr. Rutland suggest about observing generosity in potential spouses? Why is this an important trait to look for?

How can one discern if a potential spouse understands their role in the family unit from a biblical perspective before marriage?

Further Study

As a group read 1 Peter 3:1-4 and discuss what this means to you. Then read 1 Peter 3: 7-9 then discuss what this means to you. Note, in the context of verse seven, "weaker" translates from the Greek term "asthenestero," which denotes physical frailty rather than any moral, spiritual, or intellectual deficiency.

Conclusion

Dr. Rutland’s message ultimately points to the core of all relationships: generosity. Just as Christ gave Himself for the Church, a Spirit-filled life calls us to give generously in our relationships—whether in marriage, family, or friendships. Husbands are not called to dominate but to lead through self-sacrificial love, and wives are called to respond in a way that fosters unity and trust.

The key to thriving relationships is growing up in generosity. This means giving grace, yielding in love, and prioritizing the well-being of others. Whether in marriage or in daily interactions, let us commit to living with open hearts, generous words, and selfless actions, embodying the very nature of Christ.

Generosity in All Relationships: How can the principle of generosity be applied in friendships and family relationships beyond marriage? Share examples or discuss potential practices.

Giving Grace: How can giving grace change the dynamics of our daily interactions, both at home and in our broader community?

Reflections on Self: Reflect on your current level of generosity in relationships. Where do you see room for improvement, and what steps will you take?

Closing Prayer

Here are some ideas to pray about with your group:

Alignment with God's Will: Pray for personal alignment with God’s will, influencing thoughts, words, and actions.

Generosity and Compassion: Foster kindness, patience, and understanding towards everyone.

Personal Testament to God: Live in a way that glorifies God, being a source of hope, gratitude and generosity.

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